The 7 Stages of Pregnancy with Twins (Stages 5-7)

Finally, to finish my thoughts...

5) GUILT
This stage really coincides with stage 4 because the whole time I'm anxious about and questioning this life of being a "twin mom," I'm feeling pretty darn guilty about not considering this whole anomaly a blessing.  When I was pregnant with Dakota, I never felt this way.  I was excited the whole time and cried near the end of my pregnancy because I just couldn't wait another second to meet her and hold her.  So, this time around, what was it?  The fact that I wasn't getting exactly what I had envisioned?  Was it because our financial situation had changed?  Did I just now have a better idea of how hard it is to have a newborn and raise a child?  Probably all of these things.
Some people made me feel guilty for not being more excited - but, more often, I was met with understanding words from numerous friends who listened to me drone on and on and grapple with this impending life change.  Because of my hesitation to be super-duper excited about twins, I felt that if anything went wrong in my pregnancy, it would most definitely be my fault.

6) ACCEPTANCE/PERSPECTIVE
I'm happy to say that I've moved into this stage and am actually closing in on Stage 7.  I'm extremely task-oriented, so as things get checked off my 9-month list of things-to-do (i.e. trading in my car, figuring out a budget, re-homing our extremely hyper Weimaraner, putting together the nursery, potty-training Dakota, etc.), I start to feel more ready for this.  I'm letting go of my former life plan to which I held so tightly.  While out to dinner a few months ago, I said to a friend, "Well, I guess God thinks I can handle this," to which she replied, "No, God knows He can handle it."  And it started to click.  I seem to have forgotten my foundation in faith through all this.  Clearly, our family has a different calling, and I'm now open to embracing that and being thankful for it.     
Regardless of my endless ridiculous insecurities about it, I most certainly will love these children as much as I love my daughter...and having that depth of love will change me.  I now truly believe these babies will teach me more than I ever thought I had to learn about what it means to be "Mom."  Furthermore, let's face it, they're going to be cute, hilarious, smart, and fantastic.  And a few months from now, I'm not going to be able to picture life without my three children.   

JONAS LAWSON CLARK

ADDISON JOY CLARK

7) HAPPINESS
This is what I have believed to be the natural final stage in twin pregnancy.  And, as I am now 8 months pregnant, I'm pretty sure I was right.  I've not only accepted my fate of being a mother of three, I'm feeling pretty calm and happy about it most days.  Part of it may be that I'm so uncomfortable that I'm ready to not feel like I'm carrying a medicine ball around my waist.  But the other part is that I've allowed myself the time to go through all previous stages.  I would hate to go through all this mental anguish POST-births!  It's not to say that I won't regress every so often to any of the aforementioned stages, but I'm on the up and up.  Yes, these babies are going to rock our world.  But....they're also going to rock.

The 7 Stages of Pregnancy with Twins (Stage 4)

Now, as I was saying...

4) ANXIETY/DEPRESSION
Fear quickly gives way to anxiety...and anxiety, when it festers long enough, gives way to depression.  Call it pregnancy hormones or call it just my natural state of being prone to such emotions, but this phase was the worst and lasted through my entire 2nd trimester and then some (and, honestly, still rears its ugly head from time to time).  My anxiety involves a lot of ruminating/obsessing, a lot of list-writing to make sense of my world and attempt to regain control, and many sleepless nights.

I was anxious about all the normal things you would imagine.  

Newborn stuff.  Now that I am a mother, I know how hard having a newborn is.  I remember with great clarity saying to Jared DAILY in our first several weeks as parents, "How do people do this with multiples?!"  I guess this is God's way of being funny.  So, naturally, I was (and still am) anxious about the hard work, sleepless nights, scheduling, etc.

Money, money, money.  We'll have no choice but to live off one income for at least 6 months before we can get it together enough for me to go back to part-time work.  How's health insurance going to look with a family of 5?  How much do we budget monthly for baby essentials, like diapers, wipes, formula (since I'll be both breast-feeding and formula feeding so I don't go insane)?  What will we do about our cars?  And...down the road...3 college savings funds?  3 kids to provide for?  A family of 5 eating out and/or going on vacation?  Life just got a lot more pricey.

Recovery.  I will have a C-section.  Which means no trips up and down the stairs, no driving, no picking up 2 babies at once (or Dakota, for that matter), etc.  I have wrinkles in my brain and forehead trying to figure out the logistics of taking care of 3 children, myself, and my home without compromising my health.  I have friends and family who are PUMPED about helping, don't get me wrong.  I just hate not being able to do things for myself or feel in control of my household.  Hmmm...control seems to be a real issue in my life.

But then, there are the things I excessively worried about that maybe you wouldn't imagine.

Can I love these babies as much as I love Dakota?  I have a friend who, when she was pregnant with her second child 4 years ago, told me she was terrified that she wasn't going to love this child as much as she loved her first.  I acted like I understood, but really I was thinking, "That is the craziest thing I've ever heard."  I wasn't a parent.  I didn't understand that kind of love....yet.  Now I do, and I get it.  I freakin' love my daughter more than life itself and even cry about loving her so much.  The love is unmatched by any.  All I could keep thinking was that I was sacrificing my special bond with Dakota and would now have to split my attention amongst 3 children.  I couldn't yet picture these new babies having faces & personalities...all I felt when I thought about them was hard work.  And all my undivided Dakota attention (at the park, library, museums, cuddling watching movies, breakfast dates, etc.) would now have to put aside for diapering, feeding, and calming two screaming babies...because, for some reason, I just picture there being constant crying.  And not just from the babies. 

Am I mom enough to do this?  I do not want to turn into one of those frazzled, screaming, unkempt mothers who bit off more than they can chew in the kid department.  You all know that mom...you see her at Target or the grocery store.  She's either yelling at their kids or straight-up ignoring their insane behavoir.  It's like she's just given up on being a normal, functioning human.  You judge her.  So do I.  Is my patience going to fly out the window?  Will I wear yoga pants every day for a year?  Will I ever blow dry my hair or apply eyeliner again?

So, when my anxiety lasts long enough, I start to get mopey and sad because I can't stop thinking.  This leads to my infamous kitchen moment several weeks ago when, unable to open a block of Cracker Barrel cheese, I ended up hurling the cheese block into the kitchen and crumpling into a sobbing mess.  Luckily, my husband was there to pick up the pieces...and remind me for the millionth time to "Just stop giving a crap."  How nice to be able to live like that.  His "pregnancy stages" would be much different from mine: 1) "Shock" - 1 day; 2) "Fear" - 2 or 3 hours; 3) "Let's not give a crap and let's just do this" - the rest of pregnancy.

I'm happy to say that I am now sleeping and have more or less moved past stage 4.  This post is becoming self-indulgently long, so I shall continue with stages 5-7 this weekend.  'Til then.

The 7 Stages of Pregnancy with Twins (Stages 1-3)

Reader's Note: I haven't blogged in awhile...okay, 2 1/2 years.  When I originally created this blog, it was going to be a coming-of-age story of a newly-pregnant woman who just got fired from her cushy real estate job and had to seek out a new career path and learn how to be a mom at the same time.  Didn't happen.  The next plan was that it was going to be centered around trying to juggle my duties as a wife, new mommy, and full-time employee in a new industry.  That also didn't happen.  So now, I'm going to attempt to take my friends and family on a journey of being pregnant with and living with TWINS.  I hope I find the time to make this attempt pan out!

We've all heard of the 5 stages of grief.  I have now crafted my own, completely non-researched "7 Stages of Pregnancy with Twins" based on my experience thus far:

1) SHOCK
One of the main questions I get when I tell people I'm having twins is, "Oh my gosh!  What did you do when you found out?!"  In a word, I freaked.  I found out when I went in for an 8-week ultrasound (without my husband, might I add).  My mom babysat Dakota while I went to the appointment.  Before I left - I kid you not - I semi-jokingly said, "Mom, if it's twins, you can have one."  As soon as the ultrasound wand apparatus (whatever it's called) was in place, 2 distinct dark spots/babies appeared on the screen, and the tech exclaimed, "Oh my goodness, you're having twins!" 

"WHAT?!?  WHAT?!?  WHAT?!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  WHAT?!" was really all I could keep saying over and over.  There was a lot of laughing, a lot of spontaneous crying, and a lot of all-over body shaking.  I could barely focus as she took measurements and recorded heartbeat rates.  As I left the office, I called Jared at work.  "Hey babe.  Everything went well.  The baby has a good heartbeat and looks healthy...(pause)...and so does its twin."  I had a headache for 3 days after this.  I truly believe it was my brain trying to process this staggering turn of events.


2) EXCITEMENT

Really the only thing more fun than telling people you are pregnant is that you are pregnant with TWINS.  It's like, "First I'm going to tell you that I'm pregnant.  Then, I'm going to one-up myself and tell you that there are TWO of them!"  So, while the whole idea of two newborns at once is terrifying and scary and all those other synonyms for horrifying, you put that aside because it still doesn't feel real.  It just feels like really good gossip.


3) FEAR
Okay, now everyone knows the news...friends and family are pumped...people are excited, jumping up and down in many cases.  Now, absolute fear sets in.  OMG, how is this pregnancy going to go?  Am I going to even be able to breathe in the 3rd trimester?  What will I do if I go on bedrest - who will take care of Dakota?  How is this financially going to work?  Where am I going to get 2 of everything?  What if I have preemies?  What if they don't develop properly?  How am I going to survive pregnancy, much less survive their first year?  How do people DO THIS?

To Be Continued...
Stages 4-7 will be explored tomorrow...little preview: the stages get much, much worse before they get better.