I recently read through my journals in which I wrote daily from January 1, 1999 to May-ish 2000. I turned 17 and 18 during these months and documented much of my Junior & Senior years in high school. I'm not all that disappointed with the teenager I was...albeit a bit dramatic, immature, and self-absorbed. However, there are a few things I'd like to say to myself now that I have had the luxury of 14 years life experience, including but not limited to: college, marriage, career, bills, and childbearing/child-rearing.
Dearest Kristen/Me,
You seem like you have your head on pretty straight for a teenager. However, with the life experience I have now acquired, there's a few things I think you need to hear.
For the Love, Make Up Your Mind
So, who is it that you have a crush on today? Jason, Gray, Taylor, Michael, Mark, Dave, Joseph, Adam? Names have not been changed to protect identities. Nor is this list comprehensive. Basically, at one point in time, you probably have had a crush on every male that attends the same high school as you. Perhaps it's for a week, a day, or perhaps only one History period because - oh my gosh - he said the funniest thing.
I get it...it's fun to have crushes. But, are you very nice to these guys once you got one on the line? Are you driving your friends crazy by talking incessantly about the boy du jour? Search your heart. And stop being so dramatic.
You Are NOT Fat
May 3, 1999 - "Gosh, I feel like such a FATSO! No two-piece for me this summer, that's for sure." Seriously?! You are 5'5" and weigh 115 pounds. I want to kick you in your flat, non-stretch-marked stomach right now. Nobody feels bad for you. Put on a bikini.
You Are Too Hard on Yourself
What AREN'T you beating yourself up about? Here's a list of things that cause regular self-chastisement: Not practicing piano, not studying enough, not working hard enough on a homework assignment, not praying/reading Bible enough, not being able to manage a romantic relationship, not being shiny/happy every single day, etc. It's great to want to work hard and be the best at whatever you do, but, seriously...give yourself a break.
Here are some truths from your future that might help you let go a bit: 1) You won't touch a piano after you graduate. 2) You'll become a real estate agent. Did you know you don't even have to go to college to be one of those? 3) Contrary to what you think your church espouses, you're still a Christian even without the daily devotional. 4) Correct. You cannot manage a romantic relationship. You're 17. 5) Go ahead and get on an anti-depressant now. That would be better than waiting until first semester of college.
Your Walk with the Lord is Awe-Inspiring
This is not sarcastic in the least. You LOVE Jesus...and you are surrounded by people who love Jesus and encourage your spiritual walk. You voluntarily go to prayer meetings at friend's houses on the weekends, you seek God's guidance constantly, you strive to be more like Jesus and crave close relationship with Him, you have mentors and deep Christ-centered conversations. I wish I prioritized my relationship with God half as much now as you currently do.
Sept. 28, 1999 - "My heart is breaking for people who don't feel His presence or that don't want to - I want to look on them with compassion and understanding, and I want them to be AMAZED by God's great & mighty mercy."
Keep it up. I have learned something from you in this regard. And continue to strive for less of yourself and more of Him...even when adult life's numerous responsibilities threaten to get in the way.
You're a Good Friend...But Could Probably be a Better Daughter
You put your friends first...which is what you absolutely should do in high school. You go to wrestling matches with your friend because she has a crush on a wrestler. You hang out with a variety of people all the time and learn from them. You're not judgemental of your friends. Any problems you have with your friends, you face head-on (or through passing notes) rather than immaturely writing them off for life. In fact, many of your current friends will remain your closest friends 14 years later.
But you should give your parents a break now and then. Now that I know them as an adult, I realize that they're pretty fun, hilarious people. Maybe they are "annoying" all the time because you are so emotional and hard to live with...just a thought.
You've always been really good about knowing when you're living in the good times and, in turn, cherishing those moments. May 29, 1999 - "I don't want to grow up - I love high school and being a teenager;" Oct 8, 1999 - Today was what memories are all about..."
Live it up. Because before you know it, you'll be an adult...and you'd probably forget what these days were like if you hadn't documented them so well. Hopefully, your kids will thank you for that one day.
'Til then,
Kristen/Me
Like/Don't Like: June or Whatever
8 years ago