Beauty in the Breakdown

Oh, the Sacrifices

2010-05-24T16:02:00.003-04:00

My daughter has given me so much joy since that wonderful day she was born 5 months ago. However, last night, she robbed me of one very simple joy - watching the series finale of "Lost," my most favorite show.

The evening started out splendidly. We had had a busy day of activities, so Dakota was tired earlier than usual. Prior to 7:30pm, our scheduled starting time of the "Lost" 6-hour extravaganza, I made sure Dakota was fed, bathed, and PJ-ed. We quietly watched the first 1/2 hour of the 2-hour retrospective. At around 8pm, Dakota looked wiped out, so I took her to her nursery, put her in her "magical" swing, and she was asleep in minutes. We watched the next hour of the "Retrospective" in blissful baby-is-down-for-the-night silence. I figured that when the festivities ended at 11:30pm, I'd expertly move her from swing to crib and ease off into my own satisfying slumber of having finished watching the entire epic that is "Lost."

Everything fell apart at 9pm; coincidentally, that is when the season finale of "Lost" was to begin. Awesome. For the next 3 1/2 hours, Dakota screamed and cried with varying intensities and resisted all modes of comfort (i.e. rocking, nursing, swinging, playing, etc.) until I sacrificed my own needs (not wants, people, NEEDS) for the sake of the greater good. The greater good in that now my mother-in-law, brother-in-law, and husband could enjoy the finale in all its glorious wonder (and silence).

I fought back tears as I stared into the screaming face of this adorable devil baby. Why, of all nights, dear Dakota, do you pick this one to stay awake? Why do you hate me? Did you ever love me at all?

You may be thinking to yourself, "So, what is the big deal? You have it on DVR." I'll tell you what the big deal is. I now cannot listen to nor take part in the morning-after chatter. I freaking LOVE morning-after chatter. Every radio station on my way to work had people talking about the finale. I felt like I was in one of those romantic comedies where the guy gets dumped and then only hears love songs on every radio station. Not to mention that I have had to avoid facebook and all people who like Lost at work. It's just not right. I should be an active participant in these discussions - instead, if I hear the word "Lost," I have to run away plugging my ears and making humming sounds.

So, with that said, I now realize more than ever that my life is not my own. As I furiously flipped the radio stations on the way to work this morning, I found a song that I love to think about Dakota when I hear. It's "Spending all my Time" by Aaron Fresh:

Spending all my time lovin' you, all my time lovin' you
I need a few more seconds in my day
Spending all my time lovin' you, all my time lovin' you
Every minute's running away
From when i wake up to when i lay down
All I got is you, baby, on my brain
Spending all my time lovin' you, all my time lovin' you
25 hours in my day

I love my daughter.

Hopefully one day she'll learn how to show her love to me - by being quiet for just a few hours while I watch TV.

A Week in Photos: Finding Beauty in the Mundane

2010-04-10T16:52:00.123-04:00

I have been told by some people that they would like me to write on this blog more frequently. I thought once a year was pretty good, but apparently that doesn't quite suffice in the blogging world. So, as self-indulgent as it may seem (or be), I decided to capture an entire week of my life on my iPhone as a memory of where I am in my life right now. I hope you enjoy a glimpse into my little world.

MONDAY - March 29, 2010

A "To Do" list starts out every week (rarely does any of it get done)

An uncommon middle-of-the-night wakeup from Dakota (red light on the monitor indicates baby noise)

Can't go back to sleep - need a snack

What a surprise - Jared is still up at this ridiculous time of night

Another wakeup - this time at 6:30 am - poopy diaper (doesn't she look a little guilty?)

Hi, I hate Monday mornings

Hi, I still hate Monday mornings, but I'm going to put on my work face.

Jared still asleep

Dakota still asleep

All the crap I have to lug to work everyday: lunch, breast pump, purse, breast milk cooler

Rainy Monday morning drive

This is where I work

"You can't find our office? It's right behind the white water tower. You don't know what a water tower is? Okay...how can I explain this?"

My work world

My calendar of appointments. The blue "NS" indicates an appointment that didn't show up. Yeah, there's kind of a lot.

There is always so much crap to eat around here.

A little breakfast, a little email

My self-made "pumping room"

The first of many phone calls home to talk to Jared and check on Dakota - I have the phone headset on.

My work bud - Jemonte "Pitbull" Battle

Another work friend - Kristina Oriolo, soon to be Kristina Clark (that won't get confusing at the office)

My lunch

Eating lunch with Elizabeth, aka "Lizard" (yeah, we all have nicknames)

Post work: Meeting Stella Cox for the first time (6 days old!)

Jared made a delicious pasta dish to share with the now parents of two!

Chris Cox getting his Texas Toast on - my favorite

The ladies and our babies - destined to be BFFs

Adorable Maddy Cox enjoying some dinner with us big kids

Oh man, haven't had Little Debbies in years! I ate those up!

Stella Cox - naked and confused.

Dakota in bed before 10 - amazing...but still talking herself to sleep.

TUESDAY - March 30, 2010

Really, Dakota? Again? Is this going to be a new thing?

The morning ritual of washing all the breast pump pieces

Anyone else think it's weird that my floss was made in Ireland? Maybe it's just me.

AM diaper change/feeding

One of those Durham Freeway traffic jams to which I've become accustomed

The first face that greets me daily at AiRD - Rose Roberson (she's British)

The 3 times I will pump today and, underneath, the goals I will try to hit today and most certainly probably won't

Chart of our student goals for the April class - I'm "Collie Clark" but I also answer to "Baby Mama"

Lunch with Kristina

Alicia on the crosswords, I on the "Real Simple"

Meeting at the school

Christy (Lil Preggo) & Tara

"Light the Night" fundraiser meeting

Yeah, I'll sign up.

(Jared texted me this picture in the middle of the day - love it!)

Leaving work 26 minutes past quitting time?! My appointment was talking my ear off!

Yay! Home to my 2 favorite people!

Jared sipping a Coke and doing graphic design stuff

UNC NIT game on tonight - Dakota dressed appropriately

Packing up to go see Papa and Gi-Gi Clark

Oh course I had to text this adorable photo to my parents in Charlotte!

Joy Clark - ready to feed the troops!

Jerry Clark - happiest holding his granddaughter

Gi-Gi entertaining Dakota before dinner

Uncle Bird Boy

Snacking/Teething

A girl after my own heart - loves watching TV

LOST!!

Dakota was pretty tired and feel asleep on the ride home from Pittsboro - couldn't even hold her head up!

To Bed

WEDNESDAY - March 31, 2010

This is more like it for waking up (welllll, there was a 5 AM feeding and 7:30 AM diaper change in there)

My Happy Place: Wednesday and Thursday mornings with Dakota and Jared (I don't go into work until 11 AM on these days)

Mmmmmm....coffee - best part of the morning

Lovin' on some coffee

Roxie taking a morning trot

5th floor parking today - definitely taking the elevator

Signing in for work

Remnants of Kathryn's Ai baby shower

About to take a "Motivational Sunshine Walk" with Elizabeth, Jeanine, and Justin (among others)

Walking the American Tobacco Campus

Love this campus

Pretty river through the ATC

Starting to feel motivated...

So, a walk in high heels may not have been the best choice

Yay! Lunch with Jared & Dakota

Dakota with Kara

Embracing My New Job Title - Kristen Clark: Human Being

2009-04-16T19:31:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure yet what the job description is, but it's definitely fulltime, and it pays $0 an hour.

Yesterday, as I sat for 3 hours in the waiting area of the auto service area of Leith Euro Center with a dead cell phone and not ONE decent magazine, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing? I have no idea how to be this version of myself."
Perhaps it sounds rather dramatic and I promised myself I wasn't this person, but I think I defined too much of myself by my JOB. I'd always mimic "Fight Club" and repeat, "I am not my job. I am not the money I make. I am not the things I own." But maybe I was...a little. Because now that I don't have a job and have decided to take the rest of the month off to reflect, I have no idea what to do.

All I wanted to do yesterday was get out of the house and eat lunch with Jared on his break in classes - but not more than 2 minutes from the house, I hit a massive pothole in the road and bent the front wheel of the Cooper. A normal person would angerly curse and then proceed to take care of things. Apparently, I am not normal right now, so I decided to drive home, park in the garage, and cry in the car for 20 minutes about the time and money this would cost me. I called Jared and exclaimed, "I don't know how to be this person!" And that's when Jared reminded me that 1) I was being really dramatic (me? dramatic??) and 2) I don't have to BE anything, DO anything and that my job description now is "HUMAN BEING."

Yesterday was not good, the day before that was not good. But today was good. Maggie came over and we worked on our resumes together, called HR about health benefits, walked the dogs, and shared money-saving tips. She is loving not working and is encouraging me to embrace it more.

This is all part of the plan of reshaping me for the better....and it's going to work out beautifully. I just need constant reminders, and I thank God for the people in my life that do just that.

And So We Begin.....

2009-04-14T08:33:00.000-04:00

There's a whole lot going on in my life right now. But here are the questions that kept me awake last night: How much do Hef's girlfriends make? Is it a salary? Did Holly make more than the others? Do they get a severance package when they are dumped? It's very important that I figure these things out.....No, it isn't. However, when you fall asleep watching "The Girls Next Door" and thinking about your own job situation, it becomes very possible to toss and turn with these pertinent life questions.

With that said, I somehow made it through the night and have come out on the other side this morning - not so much caring about Hef's girlfriends anymore. (Although I might google it later...)

So, I'm writing a blog. This is new. I'm about to embark on a journey this year - I've just had my slate involuntarily wiped clean, and I face a world of possibilities. However, I think my former position at a homebuilder that will remain nameless (but sounds a little like "Poultry") has taught me what I'm good at, what I'm not so great at, and what I want out of my next career (NO MORE WEEKENDS). Resume prep, job interviews, ugh.....I'll start next week.

Alright, off to go quit the gym! That junk costs $73/month! No thanks, I have sidewalks and Taebo tapes. I'll survive.